Begrudingly Leaving My Comfort Zone and Learning to Play with Others

As a child, the first words used to describe me were always "outgoing" or "talkative". I loved being known as the funny friend, even when it got me in trouble. It was nice to be known as someone who could make other people smile.

When I took the Myers-Briggs test my sophomore year in college, I scored as an Extrovert. No surprises there; I loved talking to new people, going to parties, etc. Making friends in new environments was never something that scared me. Years of theatre performances and experience on improv teams made me feel confident speaking in public and thinking on my feet.

As my sophomore year continued, my eating patterns took a turn for the worse. Not only did I distance myself from friends, family, and social situations altogether, but I lost my outgoing personality. If you've experienced any type of disordered eating past, you can probably relate. I ate most meals alone because it was comfortable, and giving the excuses of being too tired or having too much homework were all too easy to spew out. Who cares if I don't have any friends so long as I can eat my "safe" foods?

This past summer, I had an internship away from home for the first time. Living alone didn't scare me in the slightest; I had the freedom to cook my food to my liking, to eat when I wanted, to go about my life in whatever routine I pleased. It was safe and it was easy. I didn't keep food in the apartment that would stress me out and no one could question my eating habits. I was constantly alone yet I was never lonely. This was the dream...right?

I moved into an apartment on campus this year with three of my teammates. Despite my excitement to live with my closest friends, and to have a kitchen to cook all the meals I could never make in a dorm room, I was terrified. This would be the first time that I would have to challenge myself and to let other people into such a private part of my life. I've never been someone to advocate stepping outside of your comfort zone. Why would I step out of it? It's comfortable here, duh.

In the last month I have realized how much I missed out on over the last few years. Having a social atmosphere at my fingertips has reminded me how much I enjoy spending time with others. Instead of fighting with myself and forcing myself to enjoy being introverted, I am slowly remembering who I was before the disorder. Sure, I still love to have my alone time, but it feels wonderful to know that spending time with others isn't as scary as I thought, and that it can be much more special to have an unplanned or "scary" meal with them than it is to eat safer foods in solitude. I wouldn't say that I'm welcoming this new territory yet with outstretched arms, but uncrossing my arms and loosening a fist is good enough for now.

My One Year Transformation

One year ago I decided to make an Instagram account to hold myself accountable to staying on top of working out, eating right, and to hopefully learn how to make a pretty bowl of oatmeal. I had no idea what the next 365 days would hold in store for me. I refrained from making a post at the beginning of the month so bear with me as this might be kinda lengthy but I wanted to take a moment to reflect on this past year.
 
2014 was by far the toughest year of my life. This time last year I was in the absolute depths of orthorexia and was digging myself into a deeper hole every day. I spent the majority of my spring semester last year being terrified of everything, every situation that would force me to deal with an unplanned meal or possibly missing a workout. It still makes me depressed thinking about how much I missed out on and how many times I gave up making memories with friends in exchange for eating my "safe" foods alone in my room.
 
About halfway through the summer, I took a huge step and gave up counting macros which is by far the best decision I made for myself in the whole process. Looking back, I can see that I was still eating basically the same things every day but nonetheless, it was a step in the right direction. 

Towards the end of my fall semester, I fell back into some destructive habits (obsessive macro counting, restricting, etc.). Sometimes, and I feel like I'm not the only one who feels this way, I feel like the only way to achieve goals is to become obsessive about them and mask it as "dedication". This works for some people but all in all, it can just take over your life. 

It has taken time but eventually I just decided that enough was enough. I no longer count calories, I eat a wide variety of foods, and I am getting better at having less anxiety about skipped workouts/unplanned meals. Sure it's nerve wracking sometimes. I won't lie and say that I feel 100% free from my disorder. I believe I'll always be a work in progress. But over the past year I've really thought about the person I want to be when I'm older and I know that I'll never get there if I waste my 20s being obsessed calories and my body fat percentage. I am so unbelievably happy to have made this account because I've made some amazing friends and have gotten so much support from some pretty amazing people. I have big goals for this upcoming year and it's thanks to a lot of you guys that I feel confident in my abilities to achieve them.

Cinnamon Swirl Zucchini Waffles

If you follow me on Instagram, then you definitely know that I am obsessed with putting zucchini into any and all of my foods. It started as this weird need to eat something green in every meal of the day but now it's simply because zucchini is a great food for adding not only volume to recipes but also moisture for minimal calories (and yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good for you or whatever). It sounds weird but zucchini's taste is super mild and it can be masked relatively easily.

Once I acquired a waffle maker a few weeks ago (thanks mom) I knew that I could definitely figure out a way to make a zucchini waffle because, why not. It turned out amazingly and I've been having it almost every morning since I first made it! My recipe yields two almost full size waffles so bang for your buck + taste bud party = you should try this recipe (#DoIEvenMath)

Recipe:

 1/2 grated zucchini (squeeze excess water out with a paper towel)
40 g Kodiak Cakes mix
10 g whey (I used Cinnamon Swirl by Cellucor)
1/3 cup egg whites
1/2 tsp baking powder
Cinnamon and stevia to taste

Mix, cook, top, and devour!

Life Without Numbers: Week 1 Update

I can't believe I'm saying this but I did it - a full week without logging a single macro or counting a single calorie or even stepping on the scale.

I had always thought that in order for me to fully transition to this kind of lifestyle that I would have to do it in stages; first, only track some meals of the day, then stop weighing food and just eyeball or maybe just track breakfast, etc. All of these rules made me scared to stop counting. I had no idea the easiest thing to do would be to just go cold turkey once and for all with numbers.

This past week, I expected to feel lost and preoccupied with food but instead I just felt free. It felt so, so good to just eat when I was hungry and exactly how much I wanted of that thing, not stuff myself crazy at certain times of day when I wasn't hungry to make up for later or some other excuse. It felt so good to give myself a snack after dinner just because I was hungry for one.

Part of the reason I think this transition was easier for me is the fact that along with stopping counting macros/calories, I focused on eating less processed foods and more wholesome, single ingredient foods (namely, a LOT more vegetables). While IIFYM did help me get over some fear foods and learn how to eat in moderation, I do believe that eating lots of fruits and veggies and single ingredient foods is the best thing you can do for your body. Meeting your macros with wholesome foods is undeniably better than to do so with Oreos and doughnuts. Again, not trashing IIFYM at all, but for me, IIFYM was causing me to lose sight of what it means to fuel my body properly. If you are able to track macros and treat yourself occasionally while keeping your mental health in check, then I see no problem with it.

I did losely keep track of my meals throughout the day and I will admit to sort of estimating each meal's macros, not because I was scared of gaining weight or anything but because I wanted to make sure I was eating enough. I find that a lot of people are scared to eat intuitively as it opens them up to sell themselves short. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't restricting myself in anyway and that I was listening to my body.

Thursday in particular was a great day as I got Chipotle with a friend and stayed over at her house for dinner and instead of obsessively trying to estimate macros, I went with the flow, made the healthiest decisions I could, and paid attention to how my body was feeling.

It hasn't been easy but it's felt way too good. On to week two!

Macros, Intuitive Eating, and Finding a Balance

Numbers. Who would have ever thought that I would let something as silly as numbers control my life so much?

In the beginning of my weight loss journey, numbers were a vital ingredient towards my success. I'm sure most weight loss beginners feel the same. Counting calories and tracking macros all made me feel in control. I knew that if I tinkered around on MyFitnessPal for long enough and was able to fit in 11g of peanut butter into my sixth meal of the day, then I would hit my calorie goals and I would wake up with a flatter stomach and a happier brain. This kind of thinking kept me on track, held me accountable, and led me to lose about 50 pounds.

However, I'm realizing that there needs to be an end game to all of this. Like so many people I follow on Instagram, I am realizing that the numbers game cannot be forever. I know that I can't be tracking calories for the rest of my life and staying home while my friends are out to dinner because I couldn't find the restaurants nutrition information is a total waste of my time. Even while I was away at school for this past year, I am saddened thinking about how many meals I missed out on with friends because I was worried about being able to count calories.

This obsessive behavior has led me to gain weight as well. Our bodies need varying amounts of fuel each day depending on our activity level and telling your body you're only going to allow if 2000 calories, 60g  of fat, 250g of carbs, and 150g of protein (for example, not my own macros), is ridiculous. Some days I would be ravenous but wouldn't eat because I had already met my macros and some days I wasn't hungry at all but I would try desperately to meet my macros for fear of my metabolism slowing down.

I'm also realizing that this behavior has led me to make some pretty unhealthy choices in my eating. Rather than eating a salad or a vegetable dish at a the dining hall because I couldn't find the macros, I would eat a bagel or something because I could track that. Yes, I would still eat my macros and everything in moderation blah blah blah, but overall, I believe that eating a bunch of bagels and missing out on some great and healthy alternatives is not good for you. Simple as that.

So yes, I do support counting macros if you're a figure competitor or something and I worry about intuitive eating not because I'm scared I'll gain weight but because sometimes I'm scared I'll sell myself too short, but you know what? I've spent a full year of my life playing around on MFP and the time has come for me to move on. I'm 20 years old and should be enjoying life, not stressing about having a 6.5 oz sweet potato instead of 6.2 oz one.

I hope by proclaiming all of this on my blog, I will be held more accountable. For the next two weeks I am hereby making a promise to all of you and myself to:
1. Not track a single macro
2. Not weigh myself (another obsessive and stupid habit)
3. To eat wholesome and nutritious foods
4. To be spontaneous with my eating

I'm hoping in two weeks I'll feel healthier, look better, and will really be able to be on the road to a macro-less lifestyle. And after the two weeks? I hope to continue on with this! I'm just saying two weeks to make this goal seem a little less daunting.

"If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you". Let's see how true this holds up to be!