Begrudingly Leaving My Comfort Zone and Learning to Play with Others

As a child, the first words used to describe me were always "outgoing" or "talkative". I loved being known as the funny friend, even when it got me in trouble. It was nice to be known as someone who could make other people smile.

When I took the Myers-Briggs test my sophomore year in college, I scored as an Extrovert. No surprises there; I loved talking to new people, going to parties, etc. Making friends in new environments was never something that scared me. Years of theatre performances and experience on improv teams made me feel confident speaking in public and thinking on my feet.

As my sophomore year continued, my eating patterns took a turn for the worse. Not only did I distance myself from friends, family, and social situations altogether, but I lost my outgoing personality. If you've experienced any type of disordered eating past, you can probably relate. I ate most meals alone because it was comfortable, and giving the excuses of being too tired or having too much homework were all too easy to spew out. Who cares if I don't have any friends so long as I can eat my "safe" foods?

This past summer, I had an internship away from home for the first time. Living alone didn't scare me in the slightest; I had the freedom to cook my food to my liking, to eat when I wanted, to go about my life in whatever routine I pleased. It was safe and it was easy. I didn't keep food in the apartment that would stress me out and no one could question my eating habits. I was constantly alone yet I was never lonely. This was the dream...right?

I moved into an apartment on campus this year with three of my teammates. Despite my excitement to live with my closest friends, and to have a kitchen to cook all the meals I could never make in a dorm room, I was terrified. This would be the first time that I would have to challenge myself and to let other people into such a private part of my life. I've never been someone to advocate stepping outside of your comfort zone. Why would I step out of it? It's comfortable here, duh.

In the last month I have realized how much I missed out on over the last few years. Having a social atmosphere at my fingertips has reminded me how much I enjoy spending time with others. Instead of fighting with myself and forcing myself to enjoy being introverted, I am slowly remembering who I was before the disorder. Sure, I still love to have my alone time, but it feels wonderful to know that spending time with others isn't as scary as I thought, and that it can be much more special to have an unplanned or "scary" meal with them than it is to eat safer foods in solitude. I wouldn't say that I'm welcoming this new territory yet with outstretched arms, but uncrossing my arms and loosening a fist is good enough for now.

It's What's On the Inside That Counts

 

It sounds weird, I know. But adding zucchini (yes, zucchini) to my oats was quite possibly the greatest thing to ever happen to me. First off, it packs your oats with an added serving of veggies (all the micros, all the fiber). Second, it pumps up your oats with a ton volume. Like triple the size. And lastly, because of the super mild taste, it's like you aren't even eating a vegetable.

I used to be a huge fan of adding "riced" cauliflower to my oats but the prep for that, as well as the smell, was just becoming a pain in the ass after a while. I prefer zoats because it takes no time to prepare and it's a lot milder of a taste than cauliflower. Here's how I make mine!

Ingredients:
1/2 small or 1 large zucchini
1/2 cup oats
1 1/4 cup water 
1/4 cup egg whites
1 T chia seeds
Protein powder, nut butter, fruit, etc. (optional)

1. Grate your zucchini onto a paper towel and then squeeze out the excess water (I used to omit this step and still do if I'm pressed for time but it really helps!)
2. Add zucchini to a bowl with your oats and water.
3. Microwave until the oats are pretty well cooked.
4. Stir in your egg whites and microwave in 30 second intervals, stirring in between, until the oats have fluffed up.
5. Add 1T chia seeds and after the oats have cooled a bit, stir in desired amount of protein powder (I typically do anything from 1/4-1/2 scoop).
6. Top and devour!

My One Year Transformation

One year ago I decided to make an Instagram account to hold myself accountable to staying on top of working out, eating right, and to hopefully learn how to make a pretty bowl of oatmeal. I had no idea what the next 365 days would hold in store for me. I refrained from making a post at the beginning of the month so bear with me as this might be kinda lengthy but I wanted to take a moment to reflect on this past year.
 
2014 was by far the toughest year of my life. This time last year I was in the absolute depths of orthorexia and was digging myself into a deeper hole every day. I spent the majority of my spring semester last year being terrified of everything, every situation that would force me to deal with an unplanned meal or possibly missing a workout. It still makes me depressed thinking about how much I missed out on and how many times I gave up making memories with friends in exchange for eating my "safe" foods alone in my room.
 
About halfway through the summer, I took a huge step and gave up counting macros which is by far the best decision I made for myself in the whole process. Looking back, I can see that I was still eating basically the same things every day but nonetheless, it was a step in the right direction. 

Towards the end of my fall semester, I fell back into some destructive habits (obsessive macro counting, restricting, etc.). Sometimes, and I feel like I'm not the only one who feels this way, I feel like the only way to achieve goals is to become obsessive about them and mask it as "dedication". This works for some people but all in all, it can just take over your life. 

It has taken time but eventually I just decided that enough was enough. I no longer count calories, I eat a wide variety of foods, and I am getting better at having less anxiety about skipped workouts/unplanned meals. Sure it's nerve wracking sometimes. I won't lie and say that I feel 100% free from my disorder. I believe I'll always be a work in progress. But over the past year I've really thought about the person I want to be when I'm older and I know that I'll never get there if I waste my 20s being obsessed calories and my body fat percentage. I am so unbelievably happy to have made this account because I've made some amazing friends and have gotten so much support from some pretty amazing people. I have big goals for this upcoming year and it's thanks to a lot of you guys that I feel confident in my abilities to achieve them.

Banana Bread Muffins

In the words of one of my teammates, "bananas shouldn't even be considered a fruit because they are basically on a dessert-level in terms of how delicious they are." I'd have to agree. I found myself with quite a few ripe bananas the other day and decided to give banana bread a go. Turned them into muffins though because it's just a lot easier to control the portion sizes and they look a little cuter. It was a highly scientific decision making process.

These were everything that banana bread muffins should be: moist, dense, sweet, and cakey. Give them a shot!

Recipe:

3 large bananas 
1.5 cups old fashioned oats
1 egg 
Vanilla extract 
Cinnamon 
Stevia to taste 
1 tsp baking powder 
1/2 tsp baking soda
 
Grind oats into a flour, then mix with the rest of your dry ingredients. Mash bananas in a separate bowl, mix with rest of wet ingredients, the combine with dry ingredients. Fold in chocolate chips if desired.
 
Pour into greased muffin tins and bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes.
 
Macros (serves 9): 77 calories, 1.8g fat, 13g carb, 2.6g protein (macros will differ based on brand/amount of chocolate chips used)

Cinnamon Swirl Zucchini Waffles

If you follow me on Instagram, then you definitely know that I am obsessed with putting zucchini into any and all of my foods. It started as this weird need to eat something green in every meal of the day but now it's simply because zucchini is a great food for adding not only volume to recipes but also moisture for minimal calories (and yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good for you or whatever). It sounds weird but zucchini's taste is super mild and it can be masked relatively easily.

Once I acquired a waffle maker a few weeks ago (thanks mom) I knew that I could definitely figure out a way to make a zucchini waffle because, why not. It turned out amazingly and I've been having it almost every morning since I first made it! My recipe yields two almost full size waffles so bang for your buck + taste bud party = you should try this recipe (#DoIEvenMath)

Recipe:

 1/2 grated zucchini (squeeze excess water out with a paper towel)
40 g Kodiak Cakes mix
10 g whey (I used Cinnamon Swirl by Cellucor)
1/3 cup egg whites
1/2 tsp baking powder
Cinnamon and stevia to taste

Mix, cook, top, and devour!

Rest Days, Overtraining, and Listening to Your Body

A teammate of mine shared this article with the rest of our team today and it really got me thinking about the importance of rest and recovery.

I don't know what it is about taking time off but it scares the sh!t out of me. While I understand the importance of rest in order to repair your muscles and make you stronger and fitter, there is something about taking a whole day off of physical activity that worries me just a little bit. My body instantly snaps back to the disordered thoughts that I don't deserve as much food on rest days, that I'm being lazy, that my stomach looks bigger and my thighs are rubbing against each other more, and that I'm not as devoted to fitness as I should be. I don't know where these thoughts come from but I do know that I can't stand it when I justify them. God forbid if I get hungry on a rest day and eat some extra carbs, I start to freak out and parts of me feel like I'm going to wake up 5 lbs heavier.

Since I started my interest in health and fitness, in February of 2013, I have not taken more than three consecutive days off of training. Even when I had surgeries or back sprains, I always found a way to go on a run or swim or do jumping jacks in my room for fear of losing all my fitness and not burning enough calories for the day. And even this summer, I have not taken a full few days of rest aside from when I hurt my back. Even today, I took a rest day but I worked an eight and a half hour shift at the restaurant.

This article is making me realize how silly it is to beat yourself up over something so silly. Us people who care so much about our health are truly interesting; the rest of the world doesn't care at all when they don't work out for the day. It's mindblowing to me that there are people out there who aren't as preoccupied with training as I am. A lot of the times, I feel superior to them but in instances like these, I can't help but feel jealous. Laying in bed and watching a movie to them is just a relaxing day but it makes me feel like a couch potato.

Well, I'm going to break this cycle. If you think you are overtraining, you probably are, and I am challenging all of you as well as myself to take a week this summer and devote it to complete rest. Do some light cross training maybe or go on a relaxing walk. You won't lose all your gains and you'll come back to the gym even fitter and stronger than before. I'm scared, but I know it is well worth it.

 Listen to your body and know that challenging yourself isn't easy but...."extremes are easy, balance is hard". 

Life Without Numbers: Week 1 Update

I can't believe I'm saying this but I did it - a full week without logging a single macro or counting a single calorie or even stepping on the scale.

I had always thought that in order for me to fully transition to this kind of lifestyle that I would have to do it in stages; first, only track some meals of the day, then stop weighing food and just eyeball or maybe just track breakfast, etc. All of these rules made me scared to stop counting. I had no idea the easiest thing to do would be to just go cold turkey once and for all with numbers.

This past week, I expected to feel lost and preoccupied with food but instead I just felt free. It felt so, so good to just eat when I was hungry and exactly how much I wanted of that thing, not stuff myself crazy at certain times of day when I wasn't hungry to make up for later or some other excuse. It felt so good to give myself a snack after dinner just because I was hungry for one.

Part of the reason I think this transition was easier for me is the fact that along with stopping counting macros/calories, I focused on eating less processed foods and more wholesome, single ingredient foods (namely, a LOT more vegetables). While IIFYM did help me get over some fear foods and learn how to eat in moderation, I do believe that eating lots of fruits and veggies and single ingredient foods is the best thing you can do for your body. Meeting your macros with wholesome foods is undeniably better than to do so with Oreos and doughnuts. Again, not trashing IIFYM at all, but for me, IIFYM was causing me to lose sight of what it means to fuel my body properly. If you are able to track macros and treat yourself occasionally while keeping your mental health in check, then I see no problem with it.

I did losely keep track of my meals throughout the day and I will admit to sort of estimating each meal's macros, not because I was scared of gaining weight or anything but because I wanted to make sure I was eating enough. I find that a lot of people are scared to eat intuitively as it opens them up to sell themselves short. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't restricting myself in anyway and that I was listening to my body.

Thursday in particular was a great day as I got Chipotle with a friend and stayed over at her house for dinner and instead of obsessively trying to estimate macros, I went with the flow, made the healthiest decisions I could, and paid attention to how my body was feeling.

It hasn't been easy but it's felt way too good. On to week two!

Strawberry Hot Chocolate

It's that time of year again, the time of year when I start craving literally anything that has sugar in it. And by "year" I obviously mean day.

I have a MAJOR sweet tooth and can't go a day without some kind of chocolate in my lifestyle. One of my favorite ways to eat chocolate is when it's covered around a nice, juicy, strawberry. One of the all time best combos in my opinion is berries with chocolate (or pretty much anything with chocolate. Like even vegetables, I'm that much of a freak).

One of my mom and I's favorite things to do is watch cooking shows on the Food Network, specifically Barefoot Contessa and Giada at Home, and just completely heckle them while the show's going. I mean, I think Giada's cool and everything but for the love of God, just say "parmesean", not "parmagiano". We get it, you're Italian.

The other day, my mom and I watched Giada make a Strawberry Hot Chocolate and seeing how this recipe was easy enough that her toddler helped her to do the whole thing, I figured it was a recipe simple enough to where I couldn't mess it up. Here's my spin on it!

Ingredients:

• 1 cup almond milk
• 1 TBSP cocoa powder (*tip - for an extra boost of protein, use chocolate whey instead!)
• 3-4 strawberries
• Chocolate chips (optional)
• Stevia to taste

Simply combine the almond milk and cocoa, heat it up until it reaches the desired temperature, blend it all up with the strawberries and chocolate chips, and enjoy!

Alternatively, to make this drink more summer appropriate, you could take this blended mixture, pour it into an ice tray, and blend it up once it's frozen for a frozen hot chocolate!

Hope you all enjoy!

Macros, Intuitive Eating, and Finding a Balance

Numbers. Who would have ever thought that I would let something as silly as numbers control my life so much?

In the beginning of my weight loss journey, numbers were a vital ingredient towards my success. I'm sure most weight loss beginners feel the same. Counting calories and tracking macros all made me feel in control. I knew that if I tinkered around on MyFitnessPal for long enough and was able to fit in 11g of peanut butter into my sixth meal of the day, then I would hit my calorie goals and I would wake up with a flatter stomach and a happier brain. This kind of thinking kept me on track, held me accountable, and led me to lose about 50 pounds.

However, I'm realizing that there needs to be an end game to all of this. Like so many people I follow on Instagram, I am realizing that the numbers game cannot be forever. I know that I can't be tracking calories for the rest of my life and staying home while my friends are out to dinner because I couldn't find the restaurants nutrition information is a total waste of my time. Even while I was away at school for this past year, I am saddened thinking about how many meals I missed out on with friends because I was worried about being able to count calories.

This obsessive behavior has led me to gain weight as well. Our bodies need varying amounts of fuel each day depending on our activity level and telling your body you're only going to allow if 2000 calories, 60g  of fat, 250g of carbs, and 150g of protein (for example, not my own macros), is ridiculous. Some days I would be ravenous but wouldn't eat because I had already met my macros and some days I wasn't hungry at all but I would try desperately to meet my macros for fear of my metabolism slowing down.

I'm also realizing that this behavior has led me to make some pretty unhealthy choices in my eating. Rather than eating a salad or a vegetable dish at a the dining hall because I couldn't find the macros, I would eat a bagel or something because I could track that. Yes, I would still eat my macros and everything in moderation blah blah blah, but overall, I believe that eating a bunch of bagels and missing out on some great and healthy alternatives is not good for you. Simple as that.

So yes, I do support counting macros if you're a figure competitor or something and I worry about intuitive eating not because I'm scared I'll gain weight but because sometimes I'm scared I'll sell myself too short, but you know what? I've spent a full year of my life playing around on MFP and the time has come for me to move on. I'm 20 years old and should be enjoying life, not stressing about having a 6.5 oz sweet potato instead of 6.2 oz one.

I hope by proclaiming all of this on my blog, I will be held more accountable. For the next two weeks I am hereby making a promise to all of you and myself to:
1. Not track a single macro
2. Not weigh myself (another obsessive and stupid habit)
3. To eat wholesome and nutritious foods
4. To be spontaneous with my eating

I'm hoping in two weeks I'll feel healthier, look better, and will really be able to be on the road to a macro-less lifestyle. And after the two weeks? I hope to continue on with this! I'm just saying two weeks to make this goal seem a little less daunting.

"If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you". Let's see how true this holds up to be!

Nut Butters Galore!

I, like many other health foodies, love, love, LOVE trying out new nut butters. They are a great source of fats and proteins and are absolutely delicious. I can't even imagine anymore how I went through so much of my life having only known of plain peanut butter, chunky or smooth, when there are so many out there now that I couldn't imagine living without. In the last year or so I have tried quite a variety of brands so I figured I would start documenting my opinions on them in order to help some newbies out with selecting brands. I'll be constantly updating this list since I try and refrain from buying the same brands over and over again so keep checking back for more!

Peanut Butter & Co. - Smooth Operator: Your classic smooth peanut butter; no complaints here.

Peanut Butter & Co.- Crunch Time: Again, a classic. Perfect amount of peanut crunch in every bite.

Peanut Butter & Co. - Dark Chocolate Dreams: Absolutely love this one. Really rich and dark chocolate flavor but the peanutty-ness still comes through. If you don't like dark chocolate this one wouldn't be for you as it's definitely has a dark and rich taste, not like a regular milk chocolate.

Peanut Butter & Co. - White Chocolate Wonderful: This is a staple in my nut butter collection. It's just like a regular smooth peanut butter but it has these sweet notes in it that make the nut butter even more rich and delicious. Very sweet, very tasty.

Peanut Butter & Co.- Cinnamon Raisin Swirl: This nut butter is a favorite of mine as I love all things cinnamon. Unlike DCD and WCW, this one tastes very sugary. It kind of has a little crunch in it because of all the cinnamon sugar. If you're concerned about raisins for any reason, I actually don't see too many of them in this nut butter; definitely not overwhelming.

Peanut Butter & Co.- Mighty Maple: Sweeter than a regular PB but also has that sugary crunch like Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. The maple flavor isn't too prominent in my opinion, but it's definitely sweet in a different way than WCW is.

Justin's - Almond Butter: Smooth and rich and a little gritty. Definitely not liquid-y like some other almonds can be. I really like the consistency of this brand in general.

Justin's - Vanilla Almond Butter: GOLD. LITERAL GOLD IN A JAR. I am such a huge fan of this stuff; so so sweet and the vanilla complements the almond butter perfectly without overwhelming it. A little on the pricey side but I will definitely continue to repurchase.

Justin's - Maple Almond Butter: I've only had this in the squeeze/sample packs but it's been great every time. I love pairing this with graham crackers and apples. Sweet but not as much as the Vanilla AB. Still lovely though.

Justin's - Chocolate Hazelnut Butter: Rich and warm and very smooth. Beats Nutella every time in my book. The chocolate flavor is milkier and smoother than the PB&Co. Dark Chocolate Dreams in case that was too much for you.

PB Crave - Cookie Nookie: Great peanut butter. Smooth and sweet and the little chocolate chips in it make it so delicious and creamy. Not a healthier brand by any means but it's really great.

MaraNatha All Natural Creamy Almond Butter: A classic. Not as gritty as Justin's and definitely much more liquid-y but the almond taste is phenomenal and it pairs well with everything.

MaraNatha All Natual Crunchy Almond Butter: Gritter than the creamy version but delicious; the little chunks of almonds add an extra pop. This brand has more of a roasted flavor in my opinion as well.

Barney Butter - Creamy Almond Butter: This brand is definitely something different in terms of almond butters. It has the great taste of a classic almond butter but with the consistency of a regular peanut butter; no grit, just smooth and creamy. I am a huge fan. Even though it's just a regular almond butter, it's almost like a different flavor because of how different the consistency is compared to most.

Earth Balance - Coconut Peanut Butter: Absolutely NAILED the coconut flavor. A nice and smooth peanut butter but with sweet coconut notes that really kick it up a notch. 

Wild Friends - Chocolate Coconut Peanut Butter: Not a huge favorite in my book. The chocolate flavor is great but I find it hard to taste the coconut. Sort of just like a regular Chocolate PB that's a little off.

Wild Friends - Chocolate Almond Butter with Sunflower Seeds: This one really nailed the pairing of chocolate with almond butter. The sunflower seeds also add a pleasant crunch that isn't too overwhelming and adds the perfect amount of savory taste to the sweet nut butter.The chocolate almost tastes fudge-y, it's amazing.

Barney Butter - Crunchy Almond Butter: Same great smooth texture as the creamy version but with almond chunks. Instead of MaraNatha's crunchy almond butter though, where the chunks are almonds with the skin on them, these chunks are just the inside of the almond. Resembles a crunchy peanut butter a lot.

Wild Friends - Vanilla Espresso Almond Butter: This was so exciting to try since I'd heard so much about it. The espresso taste was a lot stronger than I imagined it to be. Perfectly gritty, I really loved it.

Kolat Superfoods - Cherry Vanilla Almond Butter: The texture of this almond butter is out of control! Perfect balance of creaminess matched with grit. You don't get the vanilla taste as much as you do with Justin's Vanilla Almond Butter but it's still there, just a tad more mild. Little chewy cherry chunks are dispersed throughout the jar too; the combination of tart cherry with sweet vanilla is absolutely awesome.

PB Crave - Razzle Dazzle Peanut Butter: The texture of these brand's nut butters is great, really smooth and creamy. The raspberry flavor is definitely strong. It's surprising because unlike other nut butters with fruit where the fruit is just in chunks throughout, this one has the raspberry taste infused in. It's awesome. The white chocolate chunks are also a great addition as they add a perfect amount of sweet.

Wild Friends - Honey Pretzel Peanut Buter: Absolutely love. Perfect amount of salty, crunchy, pretzel chunks to complement the nut butter. It's like a regular crunchy peanut butter but better.

PB Crave - Choco Choco: Least favorite out of the PB Crave nut butter's that I've tried so far. Not bad, just nothing to write home about. Same as Cookie Nookie in terms of consistency but doesn't have that extra punch. Higher carbs than most nut butter's as well (11g for 2 TBSP) so overall not so worth the buy.

Trader Joe's - Crunchy Peanut Butter with Chia and Flax Seeds: Phenomenal. Texture is great, nut butter doesn't have too many peanut chunks but just the right amount as well as a good amount of chia seeds as well. Have already re-purchased.

Nuts N More - Toffee Crunch: OUT OF THIS WORLD. Everyone needs to bow down to this nut butter. Fantastic macros and tastes almost sugary, like it has that extra crunch to it. Sweet and creamy and melts wonderfully. Only downside is it's kind of hard to track down and fairly expensive but totally worth it.

Jif Whips - Maple & Brown Sugar: Amazing. Sweet without being overpowering and warm. Love the texture of the whips brand and how creamy they are.

Jif Whips - Pumpkin Spice: Same as the Maple Brown Sugar, but I think I like this one a little bit more. Has a great warmth similar to the maple flavor but a little more spice which I love. 

Trader Joe's - Creamy Cashew Butter: Literally liquid sex in a jar. Melty and salty and creamy and perfect. Have already repurchased and will do so time and time again. Best cashew butter I've ever had, wayyyy better than the Artinisa (?) brand IMO.