Begrudingly Leaving My Comfort Zone and Learning to Play with Others

As a child, the first words used to describe me were always "outgoing" or "talkative". I loved being known as the funny friend, even when it got me in trouble. It was nice to be known as someone who could make other people smile.

When I took the Myers-Briggs test my sophomore year in college, I scored as an Extrovert. No surprises there; I loved talking to new people, going to parties, etc. Making friends in new environments was never something that scared me. Years of theatre performances and experience on improv teams made me feel confident speaking in public and thinking on my feet.

As my sophomore year continued, my eating patterns took a turn for the worse. Not only did I distance myself from friends, family, and social situations altogether, but I lost my outgoing personality. If you've experienced any type of disordered eating past, you can probably relate. I ate most meals alone because it was comfortable, and giving the excuses of being too tired or having too much homework were all too easy to spew out. Who cares if I don't have any friends so long as I can eat my "safe" foods?

This past summer, I had an internship away from home for the first time. Living alone didn't scare me in the slightest; I had the freedom to cook my food to my liking, to eat when I wanted, to go about my life in whatever routine I pleased. It was safe and it was easy. I didn't keep food in the apartment that would stress me out and no one could question my eating habits. I was constantly alone yet I was never lonely. This was the dream...right?

I moved into an apartment on campus this year with three of my teammates. Despite my excitement to live with my closest friends, and to have a kitchen to cook all the meals I could never make in a dorm room, I was terrified. This would be the first time that I would have to challenge myself and to let other people into such a private part of my life. I've never been someone to advocate stepping outside of your comfort zone. Why would I step out of it? It's comfortable here, duh.

In the last month I have realized how much I missed out on over the last few years. Having a social atmosphere at my fingertips has reminded me how much I enjoy spending time with others. Instead of fighting with myself and forcing myself to enjoy being introverted, I am slowly remembering who I was before the disorder. Sure, I still love to have my alone time, but it feels wonderful to know that spending time with others isn't as scary as I thought, and that it can be much more special to have an unplanned or "scary" meal with them than it is to eat safer foods in solitude. I wouldn't say that I'm welcoming this new territory yet with outstretched arms, but uncrossing my arms and loosening a fist is good enough for now.

My One Year Transformation

One year ago I decided to make an Instagram account to hold myself accountable to staying on top of working out, eating right, and to hopefully learn how to make a pretty bowl of oatmeal. I had no idea what the next 365 days would hold in store for me. I refrained from making a post at the beginning of the month so bear with me as this might be kinda lengthy but I wanted to take a moment to reflect on this past year.
 
2014 was by far the toughest year of my life. This time last year I was in the absolute depths of orthorexia and was digging myself into a deeper hole every day. I spent the majority of my spring semester last year being terrified of everything, every situation that would force me to deal with an unplanned meal or possibly missing a workout. It still makes me depressed thinking about how much I missed out on and how many times I gave up making memories with friends in exchange for eating my "safe" foods alone in my room.
 
About halfway through the summer, I took a huge step and gave up counting macros which is by far the best decision I made for myself in the whole process. Looking back, I can see that I was still eating basically the same things every day but nonetheless, it was a step in the right direction. 

Towards the end of my fall semester, I fell back into some destructive habits (obsessive macro counting, restricting, etc.). Sometimes, and I feel like I'm not the only one who feels this way, I feel like the only way to achieve goals is to become obsessive about them and mask it as "dedication". This works for some people but all in all, it can just take over your life. 

It has taken time but eventually I just decided that enough was enough. I no longer count calories, I eat a wide variety of foods, and I am getting better at having less anxiety about skipped workouts/unplanned meals. Sure it's nerve wracking sometimes. I won't lie and say that I feel 100% free from my disorder. I believe I'll always be a work in progress. But over the past year I've really thought about the person I want to be when I'm older and I know that I'll never get there if I waste my 20s being obsessed calories and my body fat percentage. I am so unbelievably happy to have made this account because I've made some amazing friends and have gotten so much support from some pretty amazing people. I have big goals for this upcoming year and it's thanks to a lot of you guys that I feel confident in my abilities to achieve them.

Rest Days, Overtraining, and Listening to Your Body

A teammate of mine shared this article with the rest of our team today and it really got me thinking about the importance of rest and recovery.

I don't know what it is about taking time off but it scares the sh!t out of me. While I understand the importance of rest in order to repair your muscles and make you stronger and fitter, there is something about taking a whole day off of physical activity that worries me just a little bit. My body instantly snaps back to the disordered thoughts that I don't deserve as much food on rest days, that I'm being lazy, that my stomach looks bigger and my thighs are rubbing against each other more, and that I'm not as devoted to fitness as I should be. I don't know where these thoughts come from but I do know that I can't stand it when I justify them. God forbid if I get hungry on a rest day and eat some extra carbs, I start to freak out and parts of me feel like I'm going to wake up 5 lbs heavier.

Since I started my interest in health and fitness, in February of 2013, I have not taken more than three consecutive days off of training. Even when I had surgeries or back sprains, I always found a way to go on a run or swim or do jumping jacks in my room for fear of losing all my fitness and not burning enough calories for the day. And even this summer, I have not taken a full few days of rest aside from when I hurt my back. Even today, I took a rest day but I worked an eight and a half hour shift at the restaurant.

This article is making me realize how silly it is to beat yourself up over something so silly. Us people who care so much about our health are truly interesting; the rest of the world doesn't care at all when they don't work out for the day. It's mindblowing to me that there are people out there who aren't as preoccupied with training as I am. A lot of the times, I feel superior to them but in instances like these, I can't help but feel jealous. Laying in bed and watching a movie to them is just a relaxing day but it makes me feel like a couch potato.

Well, I'm going to break this cycle. If you think you are overtraining, you probably are, and I am challenging all of you as well as myself to take a week this summer and devote it to complete rest. Do some light cross training maybe or go on a relaxing walk. You won't lose all your gains and you'll come back to the gym even fitter and stronger than before. I'm scared, but I know it is well worth it.

 Listen to your body and know that challenging yourself isn't easy but...."extremes are easy, balance is hard". 

Strawberry Hot Chocolate

It's that time of year again, the time of year when I start craving literally anything that has sugar in it. And by "year" I obviously mean day.

I have a MAJOR sweet tooth and can't go a day without some kind of chocolate in my lifestyle. One of my favorite ways to eat chocolate is when it's covered around a nice, juicy, strawberry. One of the all time best combos in my opinion is berries with chocolate (or pretty much anything with chocolate. Like even vegetables, I'm that much of a freak).

One of my mom and I's favorite things to do is watch cooking shows on the Food Network, specifically Barefoot Contessa and Giada at Home, and just completely heckle them while the show's going. I mean, I think Giada's cool and everything but for the love of God, just say "parmesean", not "parmagiano". We get it, you're Italian.

The other day, my mom and I watched Giada make a Strawberry Hot Chocolate and seeing how this recipe was easy enough that her toddler helped her to do the whole thing, I figured it was a recipe simple enough to where I couldn't mess it up. Here's my spin on it!

Ingredients:

• 1 cup almond milk
• 1 TBSP cocoa powder (*tip - for an extra boost of protein, use chocolate whey instead!)
• 3-4 strawberries
• Chocolate chips (optional)
• Stevia to taste

Simply combine the almond milk and cocoa, heat it up until it reaches the desired temperature, blend it all up with the strawberries and chocolate chips, and enjoy!

Alternatively, to make this drink more summer appropriate, you could take this blended mixture, pour it into an ice tray, and blend it up once it's frozen for a frozen hot chocolate!

Hope you all enjoy!